


The Neologisms of Yagami Light

by ZombieJesus



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Aphasia, Dangerous irony, Drabbles, Emotional Roller Coaster, He thinks he has amnesia, L is fascinated reading the made up words for new emotions Light is having, L is reading Light’s journal, Light is Kira but cannot remember, M/M, Neurological damage, Obsession, Yotsuba Arc, and falls in love, but he feels the loss, lies/truth, some sexual content, that unfold as a story over time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-03-25 22:59:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13844826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieJesus/pseuds/ZombieJesus
Summary: The process of forgetting the death note takes a neurological toll on Light, but according to his journal, it seems he’s gained as much as he’s lost.L is reading, and is fascinated. An opportunity presents itself for him to get closer to Light, but at what cost?





	1. Opia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> opia: n. the ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable—their pupils glittering, bottomless and opaque—as if you were peering through a hole in the door of a house, able to tell that there’s someone standing there, but unable to tell if you’re looking in or looking out.

**July 24**

He finally let me out and I feel like I’m starving. They fed me, I don’t mean that. But I’m ravenous for something I can’t identify, cannot name. I’m restless, but the chain keeps me tethered to his infuriating orbit.

 

I tell him I’m not a murderer because I’m not one, and I can tell he thinks I’m lying. But I have no memory of killing, of being Kira. Surely I’d remember such power, evil as L thinks it to be. He taunts me and I pretend he cannot wound me. That the armor that’s crystallized over a 50-day imprisonment is the impenetrable fortress I need it to be. I pretend he’s my friend. He pretends the same.

 

Only I wish I could tell him how much I need a friend right now. I wonder if he could understand what it feels like not to know yourself, to wake up each morning thinking I am a nightmare to him. That I am something he hates. He is curious but he is capable of hate I am sure. Why else would he have locked me in a cell for so long, alone and separated from everything important in my life? Not that there is much that is truly important to me, but I missed my family more that I would admit. I cried more than I’ll ever admit. Never admit to him.

 

I’m quiet because I’m thinking, I haven’t had anyone to really talk to for weeks. But he thinks that’s suspicious, that I’m quieter now, more reserved now. Is that what Kira would do? He says it so often and I’m not sure if he’s waiting for me to show him or hoping I will...or if he’s just angry he had to let me out and is stumped. If I had to be honest, I feel depressed. I’ve lost something and I couldn’t even say what it was. I hope it’s not what he thinks it is, the source of his hate. But it was something important, and I see the shape of its hole, the footprint it left as it walked away and left me. It was me, whatever it was, and I need it back.

 

L....did your imprisonment do this to me? And can you give what’s missing back? Will you hate me more if it returns?

 

Tonight as we got ready for bed, it was awkward and painful and cold. He turned away in disgust and almost pity, like he can see I’m not enough anymore. So I know something really did happen to me. Did I have some kind of stroke and no one is being honest about it? My mind doesn’t feel the way I think it should, I feel more than I used to, and I don’t want to.

 

Just before he turned the light off, he crouched on the bed and grasped my shoulders, just staring into my eyes. Searching for something. For Kira, I imagine. I looked back and his eyes were not as cold as I had first thought really, I saw shadows there through those keyholes that didn’t reveal themselves before now. I wanted to look away, but it was just another competition wasn’t it L? You try to make me uncomfortable enough to flinch, I try to maintain composure and hide away whatever it is I’m trying to hide.

 

But I did flinch, when your fingers dug into my shoulders and I heard you whisper that name. Couldn’t stand this opia, your searchlights as they peered into corners now empty, where something interesting used to sit. You were looking for it, I felt your reaching, your coming up empty.

 

Except I don’t remember what I’m hiding anymore.

 

And you seem just as disappointed about that as I am.

 

Can you help me find it?

 

——————

 

L looked up from his laptop and followed the chain from his wrist to the sleeping man in his bed. His vision couldn’t help but hover over each link of it, symbolic in his mind of each time they’d sparred, they’d fought, they’d clashed and hid and ran and turned and kicked and looked and...

 

He closed out Light’s journal, feeling oddly guilty for reading in the first place. But it was another irresistible clue to L, a breadcrumb dropped almost as if he was meant to find it.

 

The blue illumination of L’s screen made Light appear alien, but he was more human than he’d ever been in L’s eyes. 

 

He shut the laptop and stared at the chain, then gathered it quietly and crawled into bed, careful not to wake Light.


	2. Monachopsis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> monachopsis  
> n. the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.

**July 25**

Why am I here, pretending to be a teenage Sherlock with a Watson who can’t stand the sight of me? Perhaps I belonged among these people at one time, but now I’m just the puzzle piece that doesn’t fit. I can’t help them complete the picture, my edges have changed. L forces me to fit, presses me in, but I can’t sit flush with the rest anymore. My coloring, my patterning is different, and he knows it.

 

He reminds me why I’m here, to find Kira of course. And I didn’t forget that, I’m just confused as to why I’m doing it, why I agreed to. I could never tell L this, but I admire Kira, even believe what he’s doing will make the world better. So why did I agree to help L stop him? This I cannot remember, and although I have asked my father if I was in the hospital or had an accident recently...he just looks at me oddly and says no.

 

I know something did happen to me though. Maybe it has to do with Kira, maybe he hurt me somehow and I don’t remember. L believes he has some kind of magic to kill from afar, can he hurt for afar too, without killing? Am I here to find him because of that? I want to ask L, to confirm my suspicions, but something is stopping me. If I were actually Kira as L suspects, it makes me laugh to think of how disappointed he’d be to see this broken thing I am. 

 

Maybe L’s the one that hurt me, and my father doesn’t know. He would do it...wouldn’t he...if going on his latest treatment and words to me are any clue. So I must consider the possibility I’m handcuffed to an abuser I have no memory of. 

 

Maybe L is Kira and I was onto him before whatever happened to me...happened. Why else are so many memories gone, conversations he references that I cannot recall, things he said I told him that don’t sound right, places and things he said I liked that seem foreign to me.

 

Today Matsuda recalled a funny joke about how L fell out of his chair when the second Kira said shinigami helped them kill. Everyone laughed but me, although L was watching me closely, so closely. Did that really happen? I can’t imagine I’d ever forget that smug gargoyle toppling from his perch at the thought of something so irrational, so emphemeral. 

 

Maybe i joined the case to try to find Kira and...help him? Something about that thought both thrills and terrifies me. If I cannot be Kira—the killings continue although I am doing nothing—perhaps I am meant to help him in some way. Is he waiting for me to do something? I can’t remember!!

 

But I know I don’t belong here, an iceberg drifting between the glaciers of this case, of the cold justice of L...the distant force of Kira. I’m trapped in a monachopsis of surveillance screens and lists of names and accusations and some past Light they all knew. But even if I were free, I don’t know where’d I go, what ship I’d seek out and crash into. Which one I’d bring down with me.

 

L, is it you? Are you Kira?

 

What did you do to me?

 

What do you want from me?

—————-

 

L read the last few lines of the journal again. It was logical, for Light to wonder if L was Kira even if L knew it wasn’t the case. And if Light truly had some kind of amnesia then....

 

He shut the computer down and laid down next to a sleeping Light; the only time he felt it was safe to read this was deep in the night when he knew Light was dreaming. When Light's breath became steady and slow, and his eyes flickered behind dark-lashed lids with REM sleep. L watched as they did so now, and he wondered if pieces of dreams were missing too, like those memories.

 

If the things that Yagami Light dreamed of now had changed, if he’d noticed. _Is the monachopsis there too Light? Out of place even in your unconscious mind?_

 

Light had goosebumps on his skin, and L pulled the covers up a little on Light where they had fallen. L kept it cold in the room because he preferred that for sleeping, and he knew Light didn’t. It seemed cruel now, considering Light was the one who actually slept. Another little jab at Kira, but if this was Kira... _No wonder you think I’d hurt you._

 

He picked up the thermostat remote and made the room a little warmer.


	3. Rubatosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rubatosis  
> n. the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat, whose tenuous muscular throbbing feels less like a metronome than a nervous ditty your heart is tapping to itself, the kind that people compulsively hum or sing while walking in complete darkness, as if to casually remind the outside world, _I’m here, I’m here, I’m here._

**July 29**

 

He only comes to bed very late in the night, or very early in the morning. He moves so softly, as if he’d practiced such movements all his life, that I rarely wake. I only know he’s been there from an indentation, or a rumpling of the sheets on his side of the bed. I wake to find him typing at the end of the handcuff chain, same as when I closed my eyes.

 

I am unused to sleeping with someone or sharing a bedroom, much less sharing my  personal space. It feels like a constant invasion—physically by his presence, mentally by his words. But worse is when he ignores me, looks past me, through me as if someone else more interesting might walk in any minute. 

 

The red numbers on the alarm clock said 4 am as my eyes opened this morning. He was there, his back to me and breathing deeply. I had caught him sleeping at last, and he had kicked all the blankets off himself. It hadn’t been as cold in the room as the first few nights, was that for my benefit? I was surprised to see he slept nearly naked, only wearing boxer shorts, I supposed to keep cool.  The curve of his spine was as a fault line in ice, his skin so pale and probably as cold as he is.

 

The reason I woke....I cannot remember the dream I had but its results were obvious. I was so hard I ached, it had been so long since either a camera or L’s eyes didn’t prevent the pleasure I used to have every night. And my body was reminding me of that. L seemed truly asleep so I took a chance, otherwise remaining very still. I couldn’t take my time as I liked to do, the days of seeing how long I could last or how many times it took until I was empty and exhausted...seem to be over. My shorts were already soaked so it made little difference to ruin them further. I managed to remain quiet through all of it, and L didn’t stir.

 

It excites me that L may be Kira, and as I got closer and closer, I counted the pointed vertebrae up L’s back until I got to his neck. Focused on each one as stepping stones to the mystery of him, of my purpose, my past. I felt my heartbeat so powerfully I thought it might wake him, this rubatosis giving me away, my excitement away, my need. I almost hoped he’d turn around and see me instead of waiting for another better thing, acknowledge I’m here. Ask me, is that what Kira would do?

 

I thought of Kira while I came, silently. Licked my fingers clean to hide the evidence.

 

Was I really thinking of L? I have a feeling I can’t shake that I’ve met Kira and forgotten.

 

Maybe I’ve remembered something of what I was trying to hide. 

 

—————-

 

It took a moment for L to realize he wasn’t breathing, that he was holding his breath. He felt dizzy and opened his lungs again for sweet clarity, but while he stopped spinning his thoughts did not clear.

 

_Light also feels desire for Kira...wants me to be Kira? Hopes I am?_

 

The thought was confusing and chilling. The more days that passed, the harder he had looked into Light for any signs of Kira’s power. But it seemed that even Light believed himself not to be Kira, had truly forgotten. _Unless he knows I’m reading this somehow and is lying._

 

L was adept at detecting lies, he’d spun enough of his own to know the subtle tells. The Light he had known before was better at hiding those tells than anyone L had ever met, but over time and experience, L had learned them. And it frustrated him, even angered him, that either Light was not lying or he’d become able to hide the shadows of his lies completely now. 

 

He watched Light now, wondering what would happen if he let Light believe that L was Kira. _It would be a trick, a lie. The real Kira would know the lie immediately._  But if Light had truly been Kira and now forgotten it, was his body trying to now remind him in some primal way...of his attraction to that power, of possessing it? What his brain had erased the truth but not the tells of?

 

L closed the computer but just crouched in the darkness quietly, his heartbeat counting out the seconds of continued life, of a timed puzzle. _Kira’s here._

 

Would reminding Light of Kira physically jog his memories? It was an unconventional approach and probably dangerous, but L liked it all the more for that. _I’ve never been afraid to take risks before to win, and I’ve been personally involved in this case since the start. Its already personal._

 

L’s body reminded him of that now, a tell.


	4. Occhiolism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> occhiolism  
> n. the awareness of the smallness of your perspective, by which you couldn’t possibly draw any meaningful conclusions at all, about the world or the past or the complexities of culture, because although your life is an epic and unrepeatable anecdote, it still only has a sample size of one, and may end up being the control for a much wilder experiment happening in the next room.

  **Aug 1**

 

The case doesn't seem to be going well, and I suppose I'm to blame. The Light from before, the perfect paragon they still see when they see me, surely would have cracked it by now. But clues and insights do not come, so we wait. Its making everyone as restless as I feel, and finally I feel some kinship with these people. The not knowing, the silent waiting, the dread--it binds us now, sure as the chain between me and L. 

 

Only L remains undeterred. In the immediate days after my release, he was as depressed as I was and said as much. Angry he was wrong. Angry I wasn't Kira. It even came to blows, briefly. But that passed, and he is a laser beam of focus once more. I burn beneath it, an insect trapped beneath a magnifying glass catching the sun.

 

Tonight as I was about to get ready for sleep I asked him if we could go walk somewhere outside of the HQ. It was late in the night and surely we could hide the handcuff chain. He declined of course, dismissing the idea out of hand as a child begging for an undeserved toy. But I crave clean air, some fresh sights, something unlike the staleness of this place, the monotonous routine and the suspicious glares and the ever-present why. When he turned back to his computer, I grabbed his hand impulsively. The word I wanted to say- please- and the question in my mind - are you Kira?- these did not form. I said I was sorry instead. What I was apologizing for, I couldn't even remember but those words came out without thinking about them. Why?

 

He stared at me and to my surprise got up and picked up his shoes, tugging me out the door. We went to the top of the tower and the night sky was open to stars, the fuchsias and turquoises and emeralds adorning Tokyo blinking away. And it was exhilarating to finally feel it again, the roofless sky, a wall-less space. But I watched the people below, each with their own sorrows, their own heartbreaks and questions and long histories and nightmares, and the occhiolism nearly sent me reeling off the side, until he drew me back. Back into my own singular mystery. 

 

We stood quiet with our doubts. And I asked him then.  _What happened to me?_

 

He told me nothing had, but it only made me angry. He knew and wouldn't tell me, I was sure! So I pushed him- _Did you do it? Is that why you won't say?_

 

He said he has never hurt me.

 

I said that was a lie, he was a liar. He kicked me then to make it more of a lie, and I fell back, spitting blood and fury. But when I looked up at him, his grey eyes were more fearful than my own. He said he didn't know what happened to me.

 

I screamed at him that he knew something did. I've changed, I knew he felt it too. I grabbed him, dragging him down to the ground with me, pinning him there.  _Are you Kira?_

 

He didn't struggle, just gazed up at me. _Are you?_

 

I felt my fingers twitching to circle round his neck, but I didn't give in. _If I was Kira....at least I'd be something other than this. A sieve that purpose falls though._ I released him, sitting back to wipe my bloody mouth, and my hands came away red. _I can't stand it L. Help me._

 

He stared at me a long time and then stood up, holding out a hand. I closed my eyes but when they opened it was still there. So I took it and stood up, stumbling away from him. But he grabbed the chain and pulled me close.

 

He said he'd help me. 

 

He said he was Kira. 

 

\---------------

 

L felt the weight of those last words settle into his bones, the pressure of the lie. He remembered the look on Light's face when he'd said them on the roof, as he crawled into bed next to Light. It was the look that L had dreamed of seeing from Light for so long, amazement, wonder, curiosity, interest, desire. That look had not been given to L, it was meant for Kira, but he wanted it anyway. 

 

L stroked a hand softly down Light's naked back, turned away from him in sleep. Light shifted towards him but did not wake, turning on his back. He knew Light was Kira, not him, but...L moved closer, stroking Light's chest and watching him smile in his dreams. Careful not to wake him.  _I'll help you Light. Will you help me?_

 

L watched him all night. 


	5. Flashover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> flashover  
> n. the moment a conversation becomes real and alive, which occurs when a spark of trust shorts out the delicate circuits you keep insulated under layers of irony, momentarily grounding the static emotional charge you’ve built up through decades of friction with the world.

**Aug 2**

 

I still can barely believe it, yet I have every reason to, and few reasons to doubt. I had felt Kira’s nearness. Kira is L. 

 

I was excited, seeing him in a completely new light. And as he held me close on the roof I felt his sincerity about helping me. That may have surprised me even more than anything else. _I thought you hated me._ He said he was waiting for me to ask for help. His help, Kira’s. 

 

I asked him, why can’t I remember? He said he wasn’t sure, but we’d find out together. That I had known who Kira was before my amnesia, and his coldness towards me, my isolation, was in reponse to my own deletion of him.

 

But I wasn’t the one who deleted it, he sees that now. I asked tentatively, what were we to each other?

 

Lovers. _I could never hate you._

 

The flashover, this trusting truth, this whispered confession, made me shudder in his arms, and yet our bond, a chemistry was undeniable. Speechless, I could only let him hold me, horrified at the enormity of everything I’d forgotten. _No wonder you were angry. So then your suspicions to the team that I am Kira...that’s an act? To hide your true identity?_

 

He nodded and refused to speak more of it that night and just dragged me back downstairs, climbing into his chair to work and leaving me with little choice but to try to sleep. For the first time in ages, I had a strange but rather beautiful dream, and I remembered it! In my dream I had batwings and was flying high over Tokyo, finally alighting on the balcony outside my old room at home. I peered inside and I saw L sitting at my desk, writing in...a journal? A book? Homework? He turned to look at me through the glass, and I woke then to an empty bed as usual.

 

But I woke with clarity of purpose that -yes!- the universe confirmed my suspicion regarding where my alignment fell. I wasn’t working against Kira as the rest of the team. L and I were...can be again?...partners, lovers. Hiding together in plain sight, the only ones in on the joke.

 

I moved through work that day feeling more alive than I had in weeks—months! Finally!! He’s trusted me, and I will hold his secrets close and try to probe for more. Hold out hope of recapturing whatever I’d lost with him. 

 

When the rest weren’t looking I whispered that as I didn’t remember, anything we did would be like the first time. He smiled, but it seemed sad. 

 

I wont dwell on the pain this accident must have caused him, and instead try to make it up to him. To Kira. That must have been why I blurted out that apology before, without knowing why I was doing it.

 

It was for this.

 

————-

 

L clamped his hand over his mouth and shut his eyes, not trusting himself to be silent, to remain still and emotionless. _What have I done..._

 

It was such a deep betrayal that L hated himself for doing it. _I could never hate you, although I should, shouldn’t I? But this chance...it may be the only one we’ll ever have Light._

 

He crouched next to Light and brushed the hair from his face. A whisper, “Kira.”

 

L laid down closer, his body pressed softly up to Light’s back. Again, so quiet, “Kira.” His hand stroked down Light’s arm and he kissed his neck softly, “Kira....”

 

Light stirred and stiffened slightly, realizing L was behind him, touching him in such a familar way. But it was a pleasant way to wake, and he smiled. Trying desperately to remember doing this before and failing, he turned over to face L. “Kira....” He just looked into wide grey eyes and felt deeply that this was where he belonged. “I wish I could remember...us.” Amber eyes made the apology now, the flashover.

 

L just pulled him into his arms and stroked his hair, “Go back to sleep. I shouldn’t have woken you.”

 

Light exhaled deeply and wrapped his arms around L, a bit nervous, but it felt comfortable, right. He was asleep very quickly, a soft warm weight on L’s shoulder.

 

_I shouldn’t have woken you. And one day you’ll really wake up._


	6. Kairosclerosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kairosclerosis
> 
> n. the moment you realize that you’re currently happy—consciously trying to savor the feeling—which prompts your intellect to identify it, pick it apart and put it in context, where it will slowly dissolve until it’s little more than an aftertaste.

**Aug 6**

 

He has come to bed with me the past few nights, letting me fall asleep in his arms, letting me get used to him and his nearness again. I apologize too much, he tells me not to do it, and it seems to pain him when I do. But how can I not? Forgetting who he is, what I am to him. Forgetting everything about us, our first kiss, whether and what we've done in bed (I have no idea!), what feelings he's confessed or I have. How did it start? It is a fling? More? I'm afraid to ask, so I remain silent. 

 

During work we act like nothing has changed, and the team seems none the wiser. I can only imagine my father's horror at finding out his son was helping--and in a relationship with--Kira. I prefer not to think too much on that, and instead lose myself and my fears in the glorious secret I share with L. He whispers to me at night his plans, nascent though they are, and I drink them, become drunk on them. He says we need to find this fake Kira as soon as possible; all our plans hinge on it. In this, we have a truthful common goal with the others. What will happen when we find this fake Kira? I haven't asked and he hasn't said.

 

Last night I asked to go to the roof again but it was raining, so instead he took me to his library in the basement of the tower. Books on criminology, sociopathy, science and nature, human nature and languages, art and literature. On medicine. He watched me as my fingers danced across one on neurological disorders, chose it, cracked it, started to read. I sat on the floor and he scooted up behind me, looking over my shoulder. Reading about my symptoms, my loss. My brain's crime against us both.

 

_I need medical treatment L._

 

He embraced me from behind and said he would have a doctor come here to take a look at me. He asked if I felt afraid. I was honest.  _Yes._ Was I afraid of him, of Kira?

 

I leaned back into him, turned my head up and his eyes were open, vulnerable then. _No._  That one thing made sense, that I was working with not against Kira. But the rest?  _Were we in...did you..?_ I couldn't finish it. I let it hang. I couldn't help but think it, my emotions towards Kira were so strong. Surely my unconscious was trying to tell me something, remind me, and I wanted to grasp it. Some happiness in this maze that could lead me to the end, and out out out.

 

But he understood.  _Yes._ Held me tighter and kissed me, and before long I was on top of him on the floor, my tongue down his throat, my body pressed against his. I could feel his excitement, my own and wasn't sure why I was the one pushing harder, why I wasn't letting Kira....or why Kira wasn't....but I didn't care. I just wanted it, this kairosclerosis, to step into its light as bright and rare as his smile, catch it, pin it down, press it within me and let it glow. Our only witnesses the dustmites on bookshelves, the spiders in corners, the fly that kept hitting the lampshade as if tapping out 'yes, yes, yes.'

 

I didn't want it to slip away, but he slipped away instead, laughing that we had all the time in the world. The new world of Kira.

 

\----------

 

L buried his guilt behind the happiness Light's words made him feel.  _Its working. This....this is real, even if the rest is a lie._ He unlocked his handcuff and pulled his shirt off, crawling on top of a sleeping Light and kissing his neck to wake him. "Light-kun." L had not pressed the other man in the library, was unsure how far to go, how far his conscience would let him go. But reading Light's thoughts now, L didn't need kairosclerosis explained, he knew it, owned it.  _I won't let it slip away Light._

 

Light's eyes fluttered open and he smiled to see L above him, "Kira." He pushed his fingers into L's hair, bringing his face down to Light's lips. "Kira is beautiful." 

 

L smiled into their kiss and nodded, agreeing but not exactly. He pulled back to unlock Light's handcuff and push it to the floor, unneeded.

 

Light sat up to take his own shirt off and pulled L back down with him, legs as entangled as their fates were now. "Kira will save me." He touched L's pale face and grasped at empty memory.

 

"Yes." L nodded as he kissed down Light's chest, long fingers stroking his sides, hooking in pajama bottoms and pulling them down. His tongue traveled down across Light's beautiful cock, and he tried to pretend he'd done this before, a hundred times before, as many times as he'd dreamed. L forced his hands not to shake, controlled his nervous breathing when Light gasped. And L whispered, "Kira will save us both." Taking Light into his mouth, the real Kira, the real god, giving him something new to remember. Something new for them both. 


	7. Adronitis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> adronitis
> 
> n. frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone—spending the first few weeks chatting in their psychological entryway, with each subsequent conversation like entering a different anteroom, each a little closer to the center of the house—wishing instead that you could start there and work your way out, exchanging your deepest secrets first, before easing into casualness, until you’ve built up enough mystery over the years to ask them where they’re from, and what they do for a living.

**Aug 10**

 

The doctor came yesterday and while she agreed my memory loss was odd, she could find no evidence of further damage even after a trip to the hospital. All other faculties intact, motor skills, cognitive function, all of it. But I looked over her notes as she scribbled ‘possible aphasia (cause unknown). Coining new words in colloquial speech, memory loss beginning one week into some type of confinement (?) covering the prior six months. Possible head trauma on that day? Imaging inconclusive, no signs of vascular event.’

 

I shared this knowledge with L after she had assured me that everything was fine, that I did not appear to have sustained any injury other than this one isolated chunk of time that seemed to be gone forever. She had no explanation, no suggestions for recovering these memories. It was wholly unsatisfying and I was in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

 

The one bright spot was a breakthrough I had when analyzing stock prices for a certain company—Yotsuba. I shared these with L before the rest of the team and he seemed genuinely impressed, even excited (in his quiet way). It seems we may refocus our efforts on this company, as the fake Kira appears to be working to inflate their earnings by killing competition. What a misuse of such power, it angers me to see it.

 

But I couldn’t shake it, I can’t shake it. A feeling of doom approaching the closer we get to the center of this case. It is mirrored by the excitement I feel getting closer to the center of L, of the real Kira. Each day, each time we interact, he opens a new door, let’s me move a little closer towards his mystery. An adronitis progressing too slow, and worse because I’ve apparrently done it all before.

 

When I woke up today I could only stare at him, then pull him closer to me as he snored softly. As he woke I kissed his neck and whispered ‘let’s stay in bed all day, pretend we’re sick. The fake Kira can wait one day.’ I could feel him laughing silently, and of course he said no. I knew he didn’t mean it. The goosebumps on his body told me, the way he pressed back against my chest, took my hand and put it on his heart to feel it’s steady rhythm.

 

I was going to get there, I was going to fling open those doors and run inside and scream my arrival. Let the echoes reach him, let my happiness reach him. A smoke signal, a code, a cipher, a footprint in concrete, a spider’s thread and sticky with danger. To replace the handcuff chain but bind us harder. The one thing I felt sure of, my anchor, my tether to the part of me I’d forgotten. 

 

I was going to get there, and I let my hands convince him, my tongue convince him, until he was gasping out ‘yes.’ 

 

The fake Kira would wait one day, this wouldn’t.

 

—————

L felt a hand on his shoulder and froze.

 

”It’s ok L. I knew you were reading. I’ve know for some time.”

 

L let his finger fall from his lips as Light turned his office chair around. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t—“

 

Light pulled him up by the chain, yanking L into his arms. “I wanted you to read it. Wanted you to know my thoughts, know me.”

 

“Why?”

 

”I needed you without even knowing why I did. But something made me do it. It must be because of what we were, are, to each other. I knew you’d be the one who could help me.” Light grinned. “And I was right...I got a memory back L!” Light had been dreaming just now, was jarred to wakefulness by unconscious insight.

 

L went stiff against him, afraid as he saw some flash of danger behind those soft amber eyes. Some hint of Kira. _Oh no. What did you remember?_

  

Light’s excitement blazed and he hugged L tightly. “It wasn’t an important one but...I remembered sitting in front of you in To-Oh, we were students there together, weren’t we? And you whispered something to me, you said something.” He looked down into wide grey eyes, confused at the mix of emotions he saw there. “But I can’t recall what you said. What was it? Help me remember.”

 

L trembled, and told a lie to tell the truth.

 

“I’m in love with you.”

 

And the last door opened, Light was inside. 


	8. Lachesism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lachesism  
> n. the desire to be struck by disaster—to survive a plane crash, to lose everything in a fire, to plunge over a waterfall—which would put a kink in the smooth arc of your life, and forge it into something hardened and flexible and sharp, not just a stiff prefabricated beam that barely covers the gap between one end of your life and the other.

**October 1**

L-

Since I know you’re reading, there’s hardly a need anymore to pretend to be writing this to myself, is there? But I find it useful to record my thoughts, and perhaps you wondered why, perhaps you've already guessed. Not much scares me, L, but forgetting things again...that does. I know how sick you are of my apologies, and I know its not my fault (is it? I don't really know). But writing things down like this, at least if whatever happened to me happens again, I can read this and remember.

 

That I'm in love with Kira, and he loves me too. I'm smiling as I write that, I hope you smile as you read it.

 

But the past few weeks have been the happiest I can remember despite my confusion, and you've made it bearable as I reach for misty memory. No, more than bearable, you've given me joy, a purpose I thought I'd lost or never knew I had. When I touch you, I feel alive, and Kira comes to me each night. I've learned you again, your topography, your latitudes, as you've learned mine. Staked your claim in my icy north, planted a flag to crack my freeze and I'm finally melting now to reveal something. I'll know soon, I can feel it.

 

While the team plays their games with the Yotsuba board, we already know don't we? It's Higuichi who's doing it, that false Kira who must fall. We deduced it at night together, in between kisses and reaching for each other we reached that conclusion. And your surprise L, you should have seen your face. Why did you think I wouldn't work together with you on this? We're two halves of the same brain, working best and most brilliantly when we connect. I agree we should wait to tell the team until absolutely necessary, until we've had time to make our own plans.

 

If I had a wish, it would be for you to tell me more about those plans. Why won't you tell me how Kira kills L? Of course we both know you need a face and a name, but  _how_ is it done? It seems each time I ask you a dark cloud passes over your face. Do you think me unworthy of knowing yet? How can I help you, help the world, if you won't tell me how this magic occurs? I'm filled with a dark lachesism, unable to put it into proper words except to say I'm ready for the earth to break open for us, for the world to tremble for us. We shall be a disaster for some, angels of mercy for others, and I'm ready for it! I see the comet in the sky, I feel its approach, but its distance is still so far. Tell me already! Let the truth strike me down as we will strike down evil together!

 

I'm sorry, I know I should be as patient as you ask me to be. But its hard L. But I'll keep my eyes to the sky and my heart in your hands, and trust you. I know you'll tell me when you're ready.

 

Light

 

\-----------

 

L held the letter tightly as he crouched on the roof's edge, his eyes now drawn upwards to the expansive night sky. _Its coming._ He'd started unlocking their handcuffs at night, and had snuck up here to read it again. But now he looked down, it was very late and few people were out. A lonely car or two passed on the street below but he couldn't hear the rush of air or their horns or rubber on pavement. He could only hear the pounding of blood in his ears with his heartbeat, the comet Light wrote of.  _The comet is approaching Light, but not the one you think._

 

He couldn't answer Light's question--how does Kira kill?--because L himself did not know the answer. Light had, once. And now Higuichi does. It wouldn't be long until the team closed in on him, wouldn't be long before they came to the same conclusions he and Light had about who this new Kira was. When that happened, and they cornered the man, many things might become clear to both of them _. Burn us._

 

L teetered on the edge of the roof, wondering if the approaching disaster would just obliterate him. Or perhaps, both of them.  _Why not just do it now then? Would that be better?_ He folded the letter and put it back in his pocket, and gripped the ledge. Light as he was now would mourn him, he was certain. Would Kira?

 

 _He is still Kira. He's reaching for it even now, without his memories._ L let his head fall onto his knees, and accepted that if there was even a chance, he was willing to brace for impact and wait. 

 

_I'm in love with Kira, and he loves me too._

 

L wanted to smile like Light had hoped. He held the letter against his face, and tried.


	9. Keyframe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> keyframe  
> n. a moment that seemed innocuous at the time but ended up marking a diversion into a strange new era of your life—set in motion not by a series of jolting epiphanies but by tiny imperceptible differences between one ordinary day and the next, until entire years of your memory can be compressed into a handful of indelible images—which prevents you from rewinding the past, but allows you to move forward without endless buffering.

Light-

First I just want to say

 

Light, I have a confession. I made a mistake and

 

Dear Light, could you ever forgive me for what I’m about to

 

Light, maybe in some other life we could have, but

 

Light, I love you. What should I do?

 

Light

 

Light

 

Kira

 

—————-

 

L crossed out the words angrily, crumpling up each unfinished letter in turn. He dropped the pen, clutching his hair in frustration as he hummed and rocked, trying to calm his inner self. _It’s not working...not working..._

 

Light came in from the shower, naked and scrubbed and glorious. He smiled at L as he dried his hair with a towel, then hung it around his neck and walked over to the desk. L hurriedly swept the crumpled papers into the trash. Light embraced him from behind and L felt his still-damp skin, smelled soap and youth and hope. Light nuzzled his hair, “Are you ready? It’s nearly time to leave.”

 

L took a deep breath and reached up to hold Light's hands around him, pressing them to his chest as he stared down into the trash can. Quiet, "Wait a moment." His pale fingers stroked Light's arm, then he turned around in his crouch to face him, still holding Light's arms around him. "Do you love me Light?"

 

Light laughed softy, "Of course I do. Don't I tell you all the time?" He tilted his head, wondering what this was about, why Kira suddenly looked so worried.

 

L sucked in his bottom lip, working it between his teeth anxiously. He turned and took the pen from desk and then brought Light's hand flat in front of him. And he started to write.

 

Light was confused, "What are you doing?" He tried to pull his hand back but L held it tightly, tracing over the letters again and again so the ink would show darkly. "L..." L finally released Light's hand and he looked down at what L had written. "L Lawliet." Light's eyes shot up in surprise, and he whispered, "Is this...your real name?"

 

L leaned his forehead against Light's stomach and nodded, "I tried to write you a letter, to explain."

 

"A letter?" Light looked at his hand again, the ink was now dry. He touched L's hair, raking through it gently. "I mean I'm honored L, that you trust me with this. But explain what?"

 

"I wrote the only thing that matters." Grey eyes looked up, searching for forgiveness for a wrong unknown. "Remember it, when the time comes."

 

"You aren't making any sense L." Light felt concerned, something was definitely wrong, and L wasn't telling him. But he tried to smile his confusion away, joking, "Aren't you afraid that one day I'll tire of all your riddles?"

 

"Yes." He stood up and picked up the handcuff chain from the nightstand. “Better get dressed.”

 

Light gave him an odd look but pulled on his clothes, trying to be seductive. But L wasn’t looking for once, was only staring at his feet and waiting.

 

He held the end of the handcuffs to Light’s wrist but his hand shook. “One last time, Light-kun.”

 

Light pushed his hand into the cuff and closed it. “Will we be shedding this farce then L? After we capture Higuchi?” He was serious now, tilting L’s chin up to look at him. _I have chills but can’t explain why. Something’s about to happen—am I remembering? My unconscious letting me know?_ Light grinned with relief, “How sweet it will be to end this fake Kira’s games.” Light cupped L’s pale face, watching something play behind his eyes in this heavy moment. “This is it isn’t it? The keyframe of our lives, the case, our relationship, of Kira! We’re so close I can taste it!” He leaned down to taste L instead, devouring him as he wanted to devour all the nascent answers a helicopter ride away.

 

 _I can feel you’re right. This is it. Do you know something more?_ L’s breath hitched as he pulled away, averting his eyes and nodding at the ground. Light saw that he was shaking, a nearly imperceptible tremor, and drew him close. L grabbed him hard, wanting to freeze, stop, pause them forever in the moment where things were still good. “Light I—“ _I could cuff him here to the desk instead. Go and capture Higuichi alone, discover the secrets of Kira myself. Maybe he’ll never remember. Maybe I can just confine him forever here and..._

 

L fingered the cold metal of the other cuff, weighing.  _What’s done it done and if he kills me I’d have deserved it. But the case will be solved then, if he did. And if he didn’t, if he doesn’t..._

 

Light touched his cheek, “Tears, L? Who does Kira cry for?” 

 

“For Kira.” L snapped the cuff on his own wrist and turned away, dragging Light towards the door, the helicopter, past divergence and into fate. He’d made his choice long ago. _Time to see it to the end._

 


	10. Heartworm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heartworm  
> n. a relationship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.

_The human whose name is written in this note shall die._

 

_This note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind when writing his/her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected._

 

_If the cause of death is written within the next 40 seconds of writing the person's name, it will happen._

 

_If the cause of death is not specified, the person will simply die of a heart attack._

 

_After writing the cause of death, details of the death should be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds._

 

—————--

 

L held the notebook from his fingertips and stared at the pale monster hovering over Higuichi, now handcuffed and blindfolded on his knees. He whispered, “There really is a shinigami...they really do...exist.” _And this is how you did it, Light. Amazing._ He read the front inner page quickly, Higuichi's answer to his question of how he killed echoing in L's mind.  _A magic notebook, and if you write a person's name in it while thinking of their face, that person will die. Just like it says here._ He choked back the bitterness, the bile in his throat and addressed Light's father, avoiding Light’s quizzical gaze. "Yagami-san, please take Higuichi to the car. Take him back to HQ, as we discussed." 

 

"L?"  _Discussed? What had they discussed?_ Light saw his father drag the fake Kira to the police car and push him into the backseat, and L sat stoically watching as each police car drove away. He kept his voice calm, even, "L, let me see it." He turned to L and held out his hand, not seeing the notebook. But L was moving the controls now, the helicopter was lifting.  _I need it, something is screaming at me that I have to touch it!_ He felt panicked with the need to hold it, "L, let me see it!" _What is this feeling...some old, thrilling feeling with no memory attached?_

 

 _Don't look at him, if you do you won't do what you need to do._ "When we get to the tower." L sighed, keeping his eyes on the nighttime sky as they flew to the HQ roof. "We can get a better look." The desperation in Light's voice, the glint in his eyes had not escaped L and he flew faster now, as fast as he could. He knew Light wouldn't risk his own safety by attacking him in the helicopter, but something of Kira was here now, and L's heart raced to recognize it.  _Don't look. Don't._

 

L brought them down smoothly on the roof and turned off the controls, the rotation of the blades slowing. He took Light's hand and turned it over, staring down at the ink that had slightly blurred on Light's palm from sweat. “Come on.” He opened the door and jumped out of it with the bag he’d stuffed the notebook in, pulling Light behind him.

 

Light unbuckled his seatbelt quickly and followed, "L why are you acting so strangely? Stop and talk to me." He followed L into the elevator and watched L press the button to the penthouse, their room.

 

L stared at his shoe as the elevator descended. "Just trust me." _And I will talk to you Light. I’ll tell you._

 

"I...ok L." _What am I so upset about? Of course I should trust Kira, trust L._

 

The elevator stopped and they walked to their room, L tossing the bag holding the death note onto the bed. He turned on Light and grabbed him by the shirt, kissing him hard, backing him up against the wall as he pressed against him. "Light..." _One last time, oh god, just once more._

 

Light kissed him back, feeling L’s hands trailing up his chest under his shirt, hooking on his shoulders, digging in nails and clinging. Light pulled away with a smile, “Are you that excited to have it back? That’s how you do it right? That notebook?” Light grinned, a palpable excitement in the air as his eyes cut to the bag on the bed. “ I have so many questions L.” He pushed his fingers into L’s jeans, caressing that soft skin at his waist. “Show me.” _I need to touch it, let me hold it L._

 

L clung harder, his forehead against Light’s shoulder. “Kira.” 

 

Light’s hand moved around to the front of his jeans, tracing over the bulge there as L panted softly. “Yes, show me Kira.” He stroked harder as L pushed against his hand, his face buried in Light’s neck to hide his face.

 

L suddenly fell to his knees and only then did Light see the tears streaming down L’s upturned face. “If I show you...you’ll kill me.” He took Light’s hand and held it to his cheek, kissing it softly.  _But I will. I will._

 

Light looked down at him in shocked disbelief, “Kill you?” He laughed, but it died in his throat as he realized L’s tears were real, his face fearful. _L, I’ve never seen you like this, didn’t know you were capable of this._ “L I love you. I could never kill you.”

 

L whispered, “You will. Because you're Kira.” He dropped Light’s hand and fell forward on his hands, “You’re Kira and I can’t lie to you anymore.”

 

Light froze, the air leaving his lungs as if he’d been punched in the gut.  “I’m...” _It’s true_. He ran for the bed and L didn’t stop him as he tore open the bag and grasped the death note. It was a tidal wave— of blood and power and fear and triumph and sorrow and infinity, and Light knew everything then at once.

 

Light screamed when the memories rushed in, and L curled into a ball on the floor and held his hands over his ears, sobbing silently. “I’m sorry...”

 

Light stopped screaming but his mouth remained open as he turned to L, shaking with righteous anger, with horror. He pushed down the strong nausea as the realizations of what he’d said to L hit him—that he agreed with and wanted to help Kira, that he lusted for that power, that he wanted to kill, to remake the world! And how L had encouraged him each time, pretending to plan with him. How he’d touched him, trusted him, asked him for help, how he’d loved him.

 

Light’s voice was a broken whisper when he finally spoke, “What have you done...” His body felt cheap, used, and he was betrayed, deeper and more completely than he could ever have imagined L doing. He gripped the death note tighter, knowing that these realizations would vanish if he let it go or L took it from him. Hot tears, unwanted tears stung his eyes and he was falling as his knees buckled, his victory snatched, his exposure complete and raw as a stab wound. “L...what have you done to me...how could you do it to me...” He crawled forward with the death note crumpled in his hand, fury incarnate, his face as twisted as his heart felt. “I’LL KILL YOU!” He stopped, hanging his head and sobbing, then screamed again in wordless fury. 

 

L screamed too and yanked at his hair as he pulled into a tighter ball on the floor. “DO IT!”

 

Light pounced on him and grabbed him by the shirt, pulling L’s face up to his, “Is this how...how you solve the case L?” _Look at me L, look._  “Is this how you do it? Trick me into believing you LOVED me?” His vision was blurry with tears, and he was cycling through so many confusing emotions. His face crumpled at the pain and fear on L’s. “Lie to me about who you were? That you were Kira? To get me to say I agreed?” Light groaned at the ache inside him. _You destroyed me from the inside out, when I asked for your help._ Sobbing, “Was the lie...worth it L?”

 

L was shaking but he whispered back to Light, looking him in the eye. “It was a lie at first. But...it isn’t anymore.” _I promised I’d help you._

 

 _No....I have to be the one!_ Light released him and flipped through the pages until he got to Higuichi’s name. “NO!” He was to die at midnight tonight. 15 minutes from now. “You...” Light gaped at L. “You wrote this? When?”

 

”In the helicopter.”

 

Light stared down at the death note, “But that means...you really are Kira now and...”

 

”You have to kill me to get it back after Higuichi dies, if I’ve worked it out right.” L wiped his eyes and pulled into a tight crouch, numbness sinking in at last. “So do it. Please don’t...make it painful.” He closed his eyes, trying to gather some strength. _I deserve this. “_ I couldn’t help it Light. You wanted me to be him. I wanted to be him for you.” _I wanted you to love me._

 

Light looked down at the blurred ink on his hand, still legible. _I can still make this right. I can still win!_ “L Lawliet.” Quieter, “And I had thought you were merely trusting me with your name because....”

 

”I do love you Light.” L smiled sadly. “I’m helping you because I love you. Giving you this. My life.” He crawled forward and curled around Light, putting his head in Light’s lap. “Let me go like this. You can blame it on Higuichi.” He hiccuped as he cried, “I know Light-kun...can think of...a plausible...” He couldn’t finish the sentence and clutched Light’s legs, turning his face away. “I loved you, even knowing you were Kira. I did. I do.”

 

Light pulled a pen from his pocket and clicked it open, the sound making L grab him harder. He stared down at the man in his lap, more broken that he was, more doomed and raw than he was. Light tried to become steel, become the rock he’d carefully chiseled Kira from.

 

The impassive judging god.

 

The untouchable deity.

 

The avatar has no heart.

 

The statue cannot regret.

 

He tried to climb atop that pedestal once again, climb it to safety and step back into the place his shadow made plain for him.

 

But the heartworm writhed, broke stone. The heartworm that had consumed him these past months didn’t die first, and Light needed that to die before L could. _I can’t erase you so easily L, I can’t forget you now, what we had, for all the lies there was that one truth. I loved you._

 

_There’s no amnesia for that._

 

_There’s no new word I can make to describe how I’d feel, no new world I can create that could mask it._

 

 _How I’d die feeling._ His fingers trembled as pen met paper.

 

_It won’t die._

 

He screamed as he threw the pen across the room, pulling L up into his arms to straddle him and crying hard against him. “I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t do it I can’t...I am Kira and I still love you and I can’t.” 

 

L gasped, unprepared for this reaction from Light, this true feeling from Kira in all his power and memory. Kira given back control. _Mercy_. He smoothed Light’s hair and held Light’s face in his hands, thumbing away the tears. _Kira is not cruel._ “I...I’ll spend my whole life repenting to you Light.” L kissed him, tentative and tender, and through their kiss he kept murmuring “I’m sorry” and “forgive me Kira” until Light nearly forgot to keep holding onto the death note as they grabbed each other more desperately.

 

Finally Light pulled back and just let himself be held as this hollow thing, breathing slowly against L’s neck. But this felt real, as real as it ever was, as anything had ever been. _But does it change anything?_  He whispered, “L are you going to arrest me?”

 

L laughed, and it sounded strange, but he shook his head. “No. I’m not innocent either am I?” He whispered into Light’s ear, “I’ve written in the book too, haven’t I?”

 

Light’s breathing sped as that finally sunk in, that L really had done that. _A lie becomes the truth. He is Kira too._  The thought excited him more than it ever did before, knowing it was real, and such a transgression for him, a sacrifice for Light. _But still, I have lost something, I’ve lost who I am again._ “If the notebook belongs to you—“

 

“He’s not dead yet.” L stared up into Light’s eyes and touched the death note with him. “If Higuichi dies when we’re both holding it, what do you think will happen?”

 

Light was panting now, his eyes wide at the possibility. “Maybe...it passes to us both.” He glanced at the clock on the nightstand, “One minute until midnight, L.” He gasped as L moved his hips against the hardness in his pants, the power soon to be shared between them exciting and dangerous and _theirs_.

 

And they sat there together, tense and staring as the seconds ticked away, tears drying and too afraid to look away or speak before it was done. Light heard the grandfather clock in the hall chime midnight, and they both gasped as the rush took hold. Pupils widening then pinning, a fluttered heartbeat, that adrenaline that pulsed and welcomed him back inside his true home. It was new for L but familiar to Light, and he knew it had been done.

 

Light’s chest was heaving and he couldn’t tear his eyes from L’s. “What are you thinking L?” He set the notebook aside, and nothing happened. _There’s so much I have to tell him, about Misa, Rem, Ryuk, all of my plans must change. He’s changed for me, I’ll change them all for him._

“Do you forgive me...?”

 

Light paused a moment and nodded slightly. “I know why you did it.”

 

”I was selfish.”

 

Light grinned, “An excellent trait for Kira to have. But you weren’t, L.” He looked at the notebook. “Not in the end you weren’t.”

 

”Neither were you. In the end.” L stroked Light’s face, possibilities and new futures unfolding behind amber eyes. “What is Light thinking?”

 

“That Kira is so beautiful...” _My heartworm._ Light smiled as he hurriedly pushed L’s shirt over his head, and kissed him as he unbuttoned his pants. _It will never die._ “...and what’s inside you is.” _You would have given it all to really help me. Thank you for my life._

 

”He is.” _And you are._ L laughed softly into their kiss, pushing his own pants aside and leaning back on the floor to pull Light on top of him. _You would have accepted defeat before my death._ _Thank you for my life._ “Come find out.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading to the end of this fic, I hope you enjoyed it. I would love to know your thoughts in the comments if you liked it.  
> <3 ZJ

**Author's Note:**

> Coined words from the [Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows](http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/)  
> Read about the types and signs of aphasia [here](https://www.asha.org/PRPSpecificTopic.aspx?folderid=8589934663&section=Signs_and_Symptoms)  
> I’m on tumblr: [kiranatrix](https://kiranatrix.tumblr.com/)
> 
> laudophilia: n. the overwhelming happiness ZJ feels from receiving a comment or kudo ^^


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